Speaker 1 0:13

Welcome to the Salty Marriage Podcast. Dive deep into the sea of love, laughter and the occasional tidal wave of marital challenges. We are your hosts, ty and Stacy Kinsley, and we've weathered the storms and still sprinkle a dash of salt on everything.

Speaker 2 0:31

Hey, it's Stacy. Buckle up, because we're about to serve you a cocktail of love stories, spicy debates and all the saltiness that comes with married life.

Speaker 1 0:41

So whether you're newly hitched, celebrating decades together, or you're just curious about the highs and lows of marriage, you're in the right place. Let's get salty. Welcome back to the Salty Marriage Podcast. I'm your host, ty Kinsley, and I'm joined by my beautiful bride, stacy, and this episode of the Salty Marriage is about date night. Dating nights where you date, or days whatever Date days. Sometimes those are good too.

Speaker 2 1:22

They are.

Speaker 1 1:24

So if you are just joining us, we've spent the last months couple months, I don't know since pretty much since we started. I guess it was nine or ten weeks, or episodes at least of discussing a book called For Women Only that we both enjoy quite a bit and have learned a lot from. So take some time, check that out, go back and listen to past episodes. As usual, it's always really helpful for us. If you hit the subscribe button, Leave a five star review for the podcast on whatever platform you're listening. That's good for us. We like that and it supports us a little bit.

Speaker 1 2:03

So we're kind of venturing into a new era, a whole new topic, if you will.

Speaker 2 2:15

Yeah, and we don't have like one topic that we're sticking with for 10 weeks, like we did over this book.

Speaker 1 2:21

We're going to do a 10 week podcast on dating? No, that'd be ridiculous.

Speaker 2 2:27

I don't know if there will be that much to talk about.

Speaker 1 2:31

I don't know if is there a whole. Is there a whole episode? Oh we can talk a whole.

Speaker 2 2:36

Okay, I think so.

Speaker 1 2:39

Yeah.

Speaker 2 2:40

Okay, so when you think of dating and marriage, I think one topic I guess just kind of like what are the benefits of dating each other? Like you've already dated, You've won your wife over meaning yeah, okay, like post marriage, post marriage like you're married, why should you continue to date?

Speaker 1 3:01

Is that a question? Are you going to give me the answer?

Speaker 2 3:05

I can give you the answer.

Speaker 1 3:07

Oh, there's an answer.

Speaker 2 3:08

There actually is answers.

Speaker 1 3:10

Where does come?

Speaker 2 3:11

from. This is from a website called the couples center.

Speaker 1 3:16

Oh sounds Buddhist.

Speaker 2 3:21

But these are five less known reasons why date night is important.

Speaker 1 3:25

Oh, okay, give me one.

Speaker 2 3:28

All right, you'll each be happier. Does that sound obvious?

Speaker 1 3:34

No, I mean yeah, kind of, but like there's probably, I imagine there's people that don't think that, or maybe it's not that they think it wouldn't make you happier, but don't think, oh, that would be fun, we could be, we could be happier, I don't know, yeah, cause it's probably not as obvious as you think maybe spending time together each week with your spouse.

Speaker 2 3:58

Let's them know that you matter to them.

Speaker 1 4:03

And I think outside of like normal right.

Speaker 2 4:07

Yeah.

Speaker 1 4:07

Like, we spend a lot of time together.

Speaker 2 4:10

Sure.

Speaker 1 4:10

Throughout the week or whatever. Spending time on a date like just you right, just the two of us, or just the two of you, is way different than just spending time doing the normal stuff.

Speaker 2 4:24

Yeah, so, if you like, asked me when I hey I want to take you out for dinner or whatever or to Michaels or to Michaels. We want to date to Michaels last night. But if I no-transcript Like, say sure, I'll go with you, you know, then I'm accepting your invitation. You know that I'm prioritizing you and time with you, so that makes everyone happier.

Speaker 1 4:46

So you're supposed to say, yes, I want to go to Michaels.

Speaker 2 4:49

Absolutely. I'd love to go to Michaels.

Speaker 1 4:51

I don't know we should go to Home Depot. Michaels turned out to be a bust.

Speaker 2 4:57

Not really, but no, I forgot part of my order.

Speaker 1 4:59

I Think that or I'm losing my mind and it's sitting right in front of me somewhere. No, I think that's that's the obvious, like first thing. But I don't think it's necessarily Obvious. I think it's easy to forget that it's important. And I don't know where do the daily thing like you, just going through time, oh yeah and I know a lot of couples who have said like I feel like we're just roommates.

Speaker 2 5:27

Now I don't know.

Speaker 1 5:28

Yeah, I've, we've said that, we've had time, we had moments.

Speaker 1 5:33

Well not like extended amount of time days at a time, weeks or maybe even months of just kind of like blue, not like anything's bad, but just no, it's so, especially the older you get. We're old, if you don't know, stacy's 63 and 42 the older you get and your kids are busy, and the kids you know, I think Probably the more, the more kids you have and then the older they get things. I mean it is wild. It is wild how quickly Time can just fly by. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 6:04

So I think that sometimes those moments can be way longer than and that's half the problem like you're like, holy crap, we haven't we, you and I haven't hung out or been on a date or whatever in weeks. Yeah and it doesn't feel like that because you just haven't I don't know, you just haven't thought about it and tell you have that thought of like hey, rumi, impassing you going to the, to taking the kids to dance school, I'm going to work, or whatever you know. Yeah you have to be intentional.

Speaker 2 6:35

You do, and I think sometimes we don't even realize. I don't know like how long it's been or how much you need it, like you and I. Just we just went to Colorado for a weekend, mm-hmm, without the kids, and it was like no children. Yeah, and I think when we were coming back, like man I didn't realize how much we needed that as a couple, just to have that alone time without the kids. Yeah seven, eight hours in the car together.

Speaker 1 7:01

Oh.

Speaker 2 7:02

Lots of conversation time. We didn't talk for seven hours. Lots of conversation time.

Speaker 1 7:10

Well, it's a staring at a laptop and driving. Not, it's not, I was driving, you were working. Yes, quite a bit, but I was studying, you were driving, but we also did have lots of good conversation by the way, if you have not Driven from Omaha, nebraska, to Colorado and back, you are not missing out at all. There's nothing so boring. There's a museum in Carney. What is that called? The archway the archway museum I think right or the archway experience.

Speaker 1 7:45

It's the archway it's in Carney Nebraska, in the middle of absolutely nowhere. It is awesome we yet we stopped in it years ago. We should do it again. It was actually really cool. So I guess there's one thing, but other than that there's nothing.

Speaker 2 8:00

You are not missing out much.

Speaker 1 8:02

It's a lot like driving from Kansas City to Denver. It's just the worst drive ever. Anyway, I digress yeah.

Speaker 2 8:11

So another reason date nights are important is because you'll be investing in your divorce.

Speaker 1 8:16

You'll be in You'll be investing in your divorce. That's what I thought you were gonna say you'll be.

Speaker 2 8:24

You'll be investing in Divorce proofing ah, Hi hi marriage.

Speaker 1 8:31

There we go, divorce proofing divorce proofing the reason you should date is you'll be enforcing or or investing in your divorce Proofing. You got to get that in there quickly, divorce proofing. So okay. So dating it's going to help enforce the marriage and the commitment and Divorce proof your marriage.

Speaker 2 8:56

Yep. This says couples who don't have at least one Mutually meaningful conversation a week are at greater risk of divorce.

Speaker 1 9:06

Oh gosh, every week.

Speaker 2 9:09

But that doesn't mean a date every week meaningful conversation every week good conversation every week.

Speaker 1 9:15

Hey, that's why we have a podcast.

Speaker 2 9:16

Yeah.

Speaker 1 9:18

Forces us to talk once a week.

Speaker 2 9:21

I like number three.

Speaker 1 9:23

That was way too quick. I didn't read it oh oh Well, let's stick to number two, or do you think we're good there?

Speaker 2 9:32

I don't know if there was a whole lot more to say that yeah, I was just gonna comment on number two.

Speaker 1 9:38

I do think that kind of with what we've been saying, when you're just stuck in the like boo, like time just goes by and you're not doing it, you haven't Dated, you haven't been romantic, whatever, that's when I think it gets, especially if you don't have some level of commitment, like I think we're committed regardless, even if that was it and we didn't do anything different, that doesn't mean we're getting a divorce. But I think if you don't have that level of commitment, that's when it gets so much easier to be like this is boring.

Speaker 1 10:09

We're just roommates, business partners, whatever, like. What if I could find something more fun?

Speaker 2 10:16

Right, and that's where I do think fairs happen sometimes.

Speaker 1 10:19

Well, I'm saying which obviously is not gonna help you with your divorce. Proofing of the marriage yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 10:29

Going on dates also makes your sex life better.

Speaker 1 10:34

Because you have of the six. That why?

Speaker 2 10:38

well and you're just spending more time together. You feel closer, and when you feel closer, you find your spouse more attractive. There's like emotional connection that happens with With parents and attraction.

Speaker 1 10:52

Yeah.

Speaker 2 10:54

And so all of that common combination goes into great sex.

Speaker 1 10:58

Yeah, that makes sense, so that adds up.

Speaker 2 11:04

Women particularly have increased satisfaction.

Speaker 1 11:12

Satisfaction.

Speaker 2 11:15

Satisfaction, satisfaction in their marriage you had a satisfaction Colorado.

Speaker 1 11:26

Now I don't even know you're so women in particular have more satisfaction in their marriage when they're dating. Yes, because you are needy.

Speaker 2 11:36

Because we're more socially needy. We need that social connection emotional connection.

Speaker 1 11:42

We do too, we just don't say it Well, or maybe even realize it, but some of your emotional connection is sex, so yeah, true, I'll give you that, so is yours.

Speaker 2 11:57

Yeah. You're gonna try to deny that. But I need, I need social connection with you, to Like, prioritize time with you and then I feel more connected, I feel supported, I feel safe, mmm.

Speaker 1 12:18

Dating. I agree good.

Speaker 2 12:23

Dating also means that your children will have a better childhood, oh I.

Speaker 1 12:30

Think that makes sense, but I'm interested to hear more Is it about? Are they saying in this article that, like your kids, seeing you Go on dates and be romantic is Good for them? Or is it more like happy marriage, happy kids or both? Because I think you're having a good, loving, romantic relationship is obviously a good thing for your kids to see, to see that you're both Connected and that it's not just a partnership.

Speaker 2 13:04

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 13:04

I think it's a good thing.

Speaker 2 13:06

Yeah.

Speaker 1 13:07

I know it is.

Speaker 2 13:08

I think it's a little bit of everything. So when you and your spouse are reaping the obvious benefits spending time together, like you tend will also tend to argue less. When like when we're dating regularly. I think because you're like communicating.

Speaker 1 13:24

Spending time together on a date.

Speaker 2 13:28

So we get it out on the date and we don't have to argue in front of the kids wait, that's not healthy either.

Speaker 1 13:32

The kids need to see argue.

Speaker 2 13:35

But it keeps tension down in the household and it's easier to establish warm, effective relationships with your children. Yeah, kids feel confident. They have fewer academic problems, fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression, less anger and aggression in their peer relationships too.

Speaker 1 14:02

Yeah.

Speaker 2 14:02

So it really trickles down.

Speaker 1 14:04

Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, I wouldn't have thought of that on my own probably, but I think it makes sense.

Free Time for Date Nights With Kids

Speaker 2 14:10

Yeah, I know, when we had younger kids because I'm in, ours are six, seven and 13 now, and now our 13 year old we have like a live-in babysitter, so it's easier for us to go on date nights now.

Speaker 1 14:27

Yeah.

Speaker 2 14:28

But when we had younger kids, it like it was hard, it was challenging because you have littles at home and then you have to pay for a babysitter. Yeah, and then now you're not only paying for your date night out, but now you're paying for a babysitter on top of that Right, and that makes it really financially challenging.

Speaker 1 14:49

You're also just for us anyway, like raising kids, like you're exhausted and yeah you're in the middle of it. Sometimes you're, you're just like I'm not in the mood to get dressed up and shower. I don't even want to shower, I just want to bed, you know, or whatever, and but yeah you don't realize how much it feels good to do that either, until you just make yourself. But yeah. So what are some ways? What are some ways that people with the babies can find time to date for free?

Speaker 2 15:20

Well, I was gonna say, the thing we did was we partnered up with our neighbors who also had kids.

Speaker 1 15:30

Yeah, about the same age.

Speaker 2 15:31

They were about the same age, so our kids were friends. That helped. And then we picked a night. I think we said Tuesday nights.

Speaker 1 15:38

Yeah, I think it was.

Speaker 2 15:39

So every Tuesday night we would trade off. So first Tuesday we would send our kids to their house. They'd watch our kids. We'd go out on a date. The next Tuesday they would send their kids to our house. Yeah watch their kids while they went on the date. So we each got a date every other week.

Speaker 1 16:00

Yep, and so that meant it was free, and yeah, we just traded off the babysitter, so no one was free we had to work for it, but so did they, like we were. It was a quid pro quo type of deal.

Speaker 2 16:12

Right, but no one was paying babysitters, right, it was just a trade off. Yeah, that worked out really well and it was like you knew, every Tuesday it was date night.

Speaker 1 16:20

Yeah.

Speaker 2 16:21

Or you were watching the kids for date Right, it was like scheduled, it was happening.

Speaker 1 16:26

Yeah, and that I was gonna say so it was free, but it was also like a scheduled thing. And it's funny because there were times where we had kind of forgot. Like Tuesday comes around and or maybe Monday, and you're like not even you're in it, so you're just kind of like not even thinking about date night coming up, or maybe it was that day or whatever. But they remember, yep, because they're either like we're gonna get their kids tonight or they're like, hey, it's our turn. And so I think usually when it was our turn or their turn, that was the person whose turn it was was reminding the other people like hey, we're dropping our kids off tonight. Yeah, so you could totally forget about date night. But because it was almost like an accountability partner to, yeah, and it could be one of their, their time, and so they reminded you.

Speaker 2 17:13

Yeah, and it was as extravagant or as not as you wanted, you know, like you had the kids out of your house so you could just hang out at home. Yeah, watch a movie together, cook dinner together or something like you didn't have to go out and spend any money.

Speaker 1 17:29

Yeah.

Speaker 2 17:29

Or if you wanted to go out, you could go out and do whatever like go for dinner, go watch, go to a movie, go yeah put putt or bowling or whatever.

Speaker 1 17:40

You could go to like the furniture mart, your local furniture store, and walk around.

Speaker 2 17:46

Yep, open every refrigerator door.

Speaker 1 17:49

Yeah, sit on the massage chairs. There's things to do, yeah, or you could stay at home, like you said, have day sex. Well, I guess it wasn't day. Have sex with the door open before the kids are in bed, I don't know While you're watching a movie? I don't know.

Speaker 2 18:03

Yeah, you can get creative, oh boy. But some of our like most memorable dates were our least expensive ones.

Speaker 1 18:12

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2 18:13

Like going to our. We have a store here called Nebraska.

Speaker 1 18:16

Oh, I stole your thunder. What didn't you were going to tell that story?

Speaker 2 18:19

But we went there and just walked around and, like, sat on all the couches.

Speaker 1 18:26

Beats.

Speaker 2 18:27

We literally opened up every refrigerator door.

Speaker 1 18:30

Yeah.

Speaker 2 18:31

It's kind of wild how different they are inside it is.

Speaker 1 18:35

And then we were like I want a new fridge, I want that 80,000 dollar fridge If you didn't know, the furniture mart and I think other big box furniture stores or whatever probably doing this. But they have a liquor license and so you can actually like get a glass of wine or a beer or whatever and walk around.

Speaker 2 18:55

Kind of cool and then go get your glass of wine or whatever you're drinking and go sit in the massage chair, yeah, so ended up a fun. Oh my gosh, we were laughing so hard in those massage chairs.

Speaker 1 19:07

Yeah, people kept looking at us.

Speaker 2 19:08

Well, and I thought it was going to trap me.

Speaker 1 19:10

Yeah, they were a little scary I was concerned. Yeah, quick, just PSA public service announcement. There's a place here that you can take the kiddos what's it called where they can just run around and bounce on trampolines and all that stuff.

Speaker 2 19:30

Oh, like urban air urban air.

Speaker 1 19:33

They have massage chairs. You can put like ten dollars in or whatever, and there's little. There's like three different massage chair stations, psa, those things will rape you. They are, they will do naughty things to your but whole. I'm not kidding. I put like a dollar and one of women was like I'll try this out. And it was like, oh, this is nice. And then literally like very slowly, there's just like a fist sized thing right where your, your but hole is.

Speaker 1 20:08

I do not understand how on earth like if there were two where your butt cheeks are I'd be like, okay, it's a butt massage, that's one thing. One in the middle of the but area, not, it's not okay. And then I was like that's a weird chair, something's messed up. So I tried a different chair and same damn thing. So, psa, urban air, unless you're into that, I would avoid those massage chairs.

Speaker 2 20:35

So this is a total side conversation now, but yeah well, the last time I went with one of our friends before they had their baby to urban air to go get our nails done. Oh, okay and got many petties. You know they have massage chairs while you're here. It did the same thing.

Speaker 1 20:57

It's an epidemic.

Speaker 2 20:58

We're like what is this?

Speaker 1 21:00

it's an epidemic. What it's got to? Probably be like the company that makes those kinds of chairs that you put a buck in, or like the mall massage chairs. It's got to be like there's some particular company that has a butt raping massage chair or something and they're just selling that all over town. It's weird, makes no sense. No one wants their, but whole massaged not in public like that especially well and not like that.

Speaker 1 21:26

Anyway, I apologize, but it's a P, it's a good PSA like avoid, don't put the twenty dollars, then find a different one, the free ones.

Speaker 2 21:34

at Nebraska, the free ones are much better.

Speaker 1 21:36

Well, you got to buy those if you want them in your house. But yeah, if you want to just get a chair massage, go over there and use a ten thousand dollar chair for free. What were we talking about before that?

Speaker 2 21:48

well, we were just talking about kind of planning date nights.

The Importance of Going on Dates

Speaker 1 21:51

I was going to share one of our other weird dates. We went on. Any idea what I might talk about if you don't know this story or this about us. Our middle child, nolan, has had some major surgeries in her life. It clicked for Stacy and so actually one of her, one of her biggest surgeries. We took her in pretty early in the morning, I think, I don't know.

Speaker 1 22:20

We got the seven o'clock or six o'clock something, down to children's, and I think it was during covid. Yeah, it was during covid. So there was like they were letting a mom and a dad in there for the surgery. She was five at the time, six or four, four or five. She was going to be getting some some abdominal surgery done. So we go in, they check us in and I think they wheeled her off and we asked the nurse like how long would it be?

Speaker 1 22:52

and she's like she's well. First she had told us like hey, so we actually have this new system, will text you from the or to let you know, kind of like, where everything's at when we're wrapping up, so that you know how everything's going, which is really cool, just text your phone. That was nice and she's like because of covid, you couldn't walk around the hospital. You either be in this little tiny room with no windows waiting like it felt like a closet.

Speaker 1 23:13

It was tiny and terrible. It was the pre opera, so it wasn't like a nice, nice, you know recovery room or whatever, and then you could go down to the cafeteria and, I think, get food to bring back to the room or whatever. So she ends up telling us she's like yeah, this will be a seven or eight hour surgery, I forget six or seven hours.

Speaker 2 23:33

It was a lot. It was a lot longer than we thought it was going to be like two to three hours or something like that.

Speaker 1 23:38

It was at least six and it was going to be six or more hours, and so we were like, whoa, that's a long time to sit in a closet so we peaced out and ended up going on a day a day date. We did and we've joked that we had the most expensive babysitter, that you can possibly have a surgeon and a whole staff of medical professionals at Children's Hospital.

Speaker 1 24:02

She was in good hands and we literally like we took off and hung out kind of down around the hospital there's some restaurants and stuff and we rented scooters and road scooters around and we should do that tonight got some dinner or lunch and then at some there was a few moments in that time where we're like should we feel bad.

Speaker 2 24:22

right, should I got our major surgery right now and we're just hanging out. We're sitting there at a restaurant. I have in the time of our lives on the belt or like a patio, like no, yeah, watching.

Speaker 1 24:36

It was a night, taking our time like we had hours to kill, and so then we ended up kind about the time we were done. I think it was after we were riding scooters around. Maybe we got a message that was like, hey, we'll be done in yeah, and a half an hour or whatever, closing her up and so we headed back and we're there just in time and yeah. So yeah, I don't know, just it's funny random date experience that we've had that is probably a little bit unique.

Speaker 2 25:01

It was definitely unique, but you know, you just make the most of the time you've got and memorable.

Speaker 1 25:08

I mean, I don't think we'll ever forget that. And I'm sure one day we'll tell Evelyn that story when she's old enough to let it sink in a little bit. She'll be mad, and then she'll never forget that story either.

Speaker 2 25:17

She'll be like you laugh at me. Yeah so yeah, but we did talk about like what's the worst thing that can happen, like even if she dies on the table, we're not going to be able to go back there.

Speaker 1 25:30

We were like well, what are we going to do so?

Speaker 2 25:33

I'm going to go back there and try to save her life or something you know, and yeah. Yeah. So we're like let's go. Yeah, there's nothing we can do here.

Speaker 1 25:42

Bye, and we did, we did, and it was kind of a nice.

Speaker 2 25:47

It was much better than sitting in the closet for six hours.

Speaker 1 25:50

And clinical closet, yeah, not fun. So moral of that story is take advantage of the time you have, I guess.

Speaker 2 25:59

Yeah For kids getting surgery instead of sitting in the hospital. Go, leave and go go.

Speaker 1 26:03

Yeah Well, or nowadays, I mean you can go down to the cafeteria or whatever, like walk around the hospital and but you could still take that time to. You know, sit and get a meal or or whatever, take a walk. I mean these hospitals nowadays are massive walk around.

Speaker 2 26:21

Yeah.

Speaker 1 26:22

Yeah Well, I think the moral of all of these stories is that doesn't matter how long you're married, what your kid situation is, even what your relationship status is like as far as is it good, is it bad, is it has been rough, has been tough, whatever that is like. Go on a date. I think a lot of times if you're feel like you're stuck in a rut, go like ask your spouse out on a date, see what happens, even if it ends up like just being the kind of thing where you go to dinner and end up maybe having some tough conversations or whatever. That's better than just letting it go, I think, and and just continuing down that road of like yeah.

Speaker 2 27:06

For sure, and asking questions like you know, like what's your goals, and just kind of figuring those things out, because those change too as you age, and what not. And if you need help, like finding ideas. They have so many. There's like the adventure challenge book yeah date night edition.

Speaker 1 27:29

Yeah.

Speaker 2 27:29

Which we have. We have to start using it now.

Speaker 1 27:31

Yeah.

Speaker 2 27:32

We have to follow up and let you know how it goes. But you can like scratch off a thing and it'll tell you what to do for date night.

Speaker 1 27:41

Yeah, or I mean literally, like you can Google it, like Google date ideas. Yeah, find times, find a babysitter, find a kid, find someone down the street, someone at church, someone you love and care for. You know grandparents.

Speaker 2 27:57

Find a family you could trade with.

Speaker 1 27:59

Yeah, find some friends you can trade with to have kids your kids age or whatever and find ways to do it, because it's important. Thank you so much for hanging out with us on this episode of the Salty Marriage. Again, I'm your host, ty Kinzley, joined by my beautiful wife, stacey, and if you have been a listener, please hit the subscribe button. Leave us a review. That helps us a lot. Subscribe to our channel. You can find it at podcastthesaltimarriagecom or on any platform you listen to your podcast. We love every single one of you and we cannot wait to see you next time on the Salty Marriage.